Darker Matters

Unfortunately, in the last year, I have attended more funerals than previous years. This last week, I attended the funeral for my next door neighbor and today I received news about another funeral. With these experiences, I've been thinking about my family if I died and what would be best for them. Yes, morbid or dark. But dark matters stick with you, give you nightmares if you let them. Or make you sob at a movie because it was based on a Nicholas Sparks' novel-they play on emotional chords and always include death.

My husband hates viewings. We always go to support the family but he's very uncomfortable viewing the body. This last time we took our children with us. When my children were concerned, I explained the reason he looked so different is because his spirit is no longer in the body.

So, my first suggestion is to forgo the viewing.

Now I know the services are for those left behind. So if my husband doesn't want to stand around my body for hours--Don't. Save a little money from not paying the funeral home to move around the casket. If it gives him comfort and let's other people say "goodbye," then by all means have a viewing. I have never received comfort from a viewing but I've also never been on the receiving end. I can see a possible benefit to receiving support and love of those who knew your loved one. Heck, there may be a psychological reason or benefit. I might change my mind if those roles are reversed. Who knows? Heaven forbid I have the experience of standing next to the casket any time soon but right now I'd prefer not to. The only experience I have with death of a closer loved one I was 7. I was scared and viewing the body didn't leave me with a goodbye but with the deepest impression that IT WAS NOT HIM. I took away a feeling of hysteria and deep sadness. Of course, the circumstances were more tragic than old age and I'm remembering it from they myopic lens of a scared 7 year old girl seeing adults crumble under the circumstances.

The funeral must be short; if there's one at all. When I mean short, I mean 30 minutes. I know the purpose of the funeral in our LDS faith and from recent experience I can see what family members want most--to share the good times and memories. So, have a graveside service and then have a meal and open mic. Have an informal gathering where people can share and connect with each other. When the wife of the mission president my husband served with in Germany passed away, they invited anyone who wanted to come to the house afterwards to share and bring a limerick in memory of her. She loved them. If a formal funeral in the chapel is desired, there should be only 2 speakers: The bishop talking about the eternal nature of the family and one family member sharing the most important things the loved one taught them. Then have a short graveside service and get to what is needed most: time to talk with one another, time to share with one another, and time to remember.

So for all it's worth (and that's not much coming from a 30 something woman with blessedly little experience on the subject), leave the traditional funeral. If you need that, we'll all be there to support you even if the funeral lasts hours. Because when we're there, we love you and it's about what you need. But, if I'm gone, and my family doesn't want all that, enjoy sharing with each other good things and leave the formalities behind.